St Anne’s 2 – 1 Langold Dyscarr CP 

After a fretful 25 minutes, where children had finally removed themselves from a never-ending assembly, Langold arrived in the middle of Worksop to what can only be described as the Somme – after the puddles had dried! Holes left the surface looking more like the Moon than the field of a local primary school, and rumours quickly spread about the appearance of a dead frog somewhere as well!  

With the poorly Joel at home resting, the Langold team adjusted slightly, with Kurt stepping into the number 10 role just behind the usual three forwards of Harrison, Ziggi and Ronnie. The game kicked off and the first 10 minutes were as tight as Mrs Reynold’s new budget for the school! Not a chance worried either end as the midfield of both sides bossed the game. A strange new rule called “Offside” was being played which bamboozled the majority of players on the field, including Kurt who was clean through on goal, only to find that he was 5 miles offside. Throw-ins came and throw-ins went, as the tightly contested game continued to remain firmly situated in the centre of midfield. Then after some fancy footwork from Ziggi and a wise pass from Kieron, Langold found themselves with an attacking corner. Mr Hays rubbed his hands together at the prospect of this corner, as they had just been practising only the day before! The training came to fruition as Harrison’s high swinging delivery rebounded straight onto the boot of Kieron who slotted home to give the away side a lead with 5 minutes left in the first half.  

This goal seemed to wake the opponents up as they pressed the Langold defence with a number of throw-ins and a couple of corners. A long shot found its way over the top of every player and with a bog-standard bounce, almost found a way past Will in the net. But the green-clad keeper reached high into the sky to pluck it out of the air. Moments later, the whistle blew and half time arrived with the away side winning 1-0.  

Mr Hays was extremely happy with the performance so far, but could sense a possible surge from the home side. His words tried to steel the boys, but they need not have bothered; every player was focused and could almost taste the top spot in the table calling out to them. 

As the second half started, Logan replaced Will in the net as per usual, and Kieron tried a long shot to no avail. Then, the game changed… 

The defender for St Anne’s made a marauding run down the right wing, leaving Ronnie trailing in his wake. He looked up and saw no options in the box, so shot on Logan’s goal. The shot appeared to have been travelling well wide of the net, but in a blink of an eye it had found its way into the Langold net and the home team were reeling. How had it gone in? The answer was simple… it hit a crater…. No, seriously… it hit a crater at the edge of the 6 yard box. You still don’t believe me? Well…. After the St Anne’s player shot, the ball bounced inside the crater and caught the right edge of it. This then deflected the shot like a game of pinball, scuttling sanctimoniously between Logan’s bewildered legs leaving everybody (including their striker) scratching their heads. But…. It still counted!  

Langold were rattled; was there some kind of witchcraft in play? Had St Anne’s prayed to the gods before the match like a gladiator would have done in Rome? Whatever the answer was, the hosts smelt blood. They pressed their advantage home, and attacked in powerful waves that asked the Langoldian defence question after question. Eventually the got a corner, which pinged around the box like Harry Potter’s bewitched bludger (in the Chamber of Secrets) until finding a home on the end of Jayden’s knee…. Ricocheting straight past a hapless Logan and into the net. 2-1 St Anne’s, with two of the most random goals possible! 

Curtis had joined the fray by this time, replacing Kurt. The boys tried everything to get back into the game, including a free-kick which just missed the post from Jayden’s deflection. However, it was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right and everything seemed to be going against Langold. The ball seemed to have a mind of its own, and pootled off in all different kinds of directions without a player near to it. As the final whistle was blown, the boys looked confused, dejected and rather peeved to say the least! 

We now sit 3rd in the league after losing our last two games in a row. Mr Hays is expecting to see the supporters bring out the “Hays out!” banners next game, with maybe a few aeroplanes trailing the same message in the sky like at the recent Arsenal match! But we have a couple of friendly matches with Kingston coming up before a huge match against Tuxford!  

Onwards and upwards!  

Match Ratings: 

Will – 9/10 – A clean sheet for Wilbur where he looked at ease with the four shots that he faced. His kicking from hands impressed the most, with huge kicks that sailed far over the half-way line.  

Logan – 8/10 – Possibly the unluckiest player on the pitch, was deceived more than Mike Gatting was when Shane Warne bowled him out in the first Ashes test of the 1993 tour at Old Trafford…. (don’t ask, it’s a cricket thing!) 

Alec – 8/10 – Had the “No-nonsense” approach to defending in this game, if the ball presented any danger he cleared it out for a throw-in. I would love to see him head the ball more and get forward with the play next match.  

Jayden – 9/10 – Scored a goal! But sadly it was in the wrong net! Other than that, I thought he played one of his best games in school colours. Loses a mark for bring the wrong shirt back after the last match…. silly boy!  

Warren – 8/10 – Had the tough task of being up against their best player all match who had more tricks that Houdini’s autobiography! Managed himself well at corners and knew his positions at set pieces straight away.  

Kieron – 9/10 – Scored a goal! Luckily it was in the right net this time! He had quite a few shots in this match without finding the net again. Loses a mark for turning to me before taking a free-kick and saying “Its going in this….” Then scuffing the ball 5 miles wide of the net.  

Kurt – 8/10 – Was busy and found spaces well. Had to cope with the offside rule which was a new challenge that we didn’t expect! Had a good battle with their centre back which created lots of space for us in the first half. 

Curtis – 8/10 – Didn’t get as much game time as I would have wanted, but when he did come on the pitch he buzzed around like he always does and picked up the battle that Kurt had left behind. 

Ronnie – 8/10 – Was gritty, determined and full of effort as always. He was also the key man when it came to our set pieces and he won most the first balls. He is going to be a real weapon in future matches when we develop our set pieces more. 

Harrison – 9/10 – Was the first Langold player that I have seen try an over-head kick. For this alone I’ve got to give him 8/10 at least. For the other mark, he gets that for his endeavour and runs down the left wing. It just wasn’t his day today.  

Ziggi – 8/10 – Wasn’t the pitch for the twinkle-toed winger. He showed some of his footwork off a couple of times but saw the ball run away from him after it hit a pot-hole. If we ever played a match on a 3G pitch, I’m pretty sure our players would dominate any opposition, with Ziggi leading the way.  

Mr Hays – 4/10 – Gains a mark for getting all the kits out prior to setting off. Gains another mark for managing to get to St Anne’s without getting lost. Gains a third mark for bringing two practice balls (which later became the match balls). His final mark comes from his scalding of the “Nasty man” who was shouting and cheering like he had won the World Cup after St Anne’s had scored. Sadly loses 6 marks for organising a game on the same day as D.A.R.E graduation, then moaning about it all day and then moaning further about it in this report…. Poor from Mr Hays